So, there’s this game that people like to play called Zombie Apocalypse. In it (at least our variation), you choose three people to be on your team in the case of a zombie apocalypse. The teams are made up of two males and two females and, in theory, represent the range of skills and attributes that would best spell survival against a world full of mindless, brain eating undead.
In the past, team members have considered such attributes as athleticism, cunning, demeanor and breeding potential in choosing their team members, considering that the zombie apocalypse could entail years of isolation in the wilds with mixed bouts of near death battle.
I’ll tell you a secret: I’ve never been picked. Like the skinny kid in dodgeball, I’ve been left against the wall on more than one occasion, abandoned to be devoured by the cannibalistic resurrected. Every time this happens, I try to be stoic and ignore it. “It’s just a game,” I tell myself, “In a real apocalypse, I’d make someone’s team.”
But, you know, maybe I wouldn’t. I’ve been thinking about the zombie apocalypse a lot lately (which may or may not have to do with the start of the season). And, the more I think of it, the more it makes sense to me: In a world of cross country skiers, the only attribute I’ll have to offer to a team is excellence as a historian and philosophical big picture perspective. (AKA Zombie bait.)
That aside, the Nordic world could really use a zombie apocalypse, because, by my calculations, we’re the only ones with the skills to survive. At the end, 100% of Earth’s population would be cross country skiers, which is everyone’s dream, really.
- We’re accustomed to Nomadic life. Uh oh, your shelter got raided by zombies while you were scavenging for food? No problem, we live out of a duffle anyway.
- We’re familiar with weaponry. I’d like to see a brainless dead take on a skier armed with a biathlon rifle, two triacs, a hot iron and wax torch.
- We’re really freaking endurance-y. Endurance hunting, duh.
- We understand mass start tactics. For those days when you’re outrunning the zombie masses.
- We can eat the same thing for breakfast for months. Pass the sawdust oatmeal, please.
- We know the lay of the land. Because everyone’s a geography major.
- We can handle changing weather patterns. She says, preparing for a muddy pre race run.
- We have great mitochondria. For the new world.
- We can survive weeks without internet or outside world contact. What’s up, Slovenia?
- At some point, showers became irrelevant. If we’re training in 4 hours, I’m just going to get dirty again. The zombie apocalypse has no space for divas.
This list is a generalization, but looking at it, it becomes more clear to me why, in a room of elite skiers, I’ve never been picked for the zombie apocalypse. However, I’ll close by mentioning, should the case arise, that I keep an excellent training log, and my skills as a historian would come in handy for the new civilization.
That, and my leadership skills are on point, so if you don’t choose me, I’ll come back as the president of the undead.