Things that happen in Europe con’t

So, I’m back across the pond and fully immersed in the cultural differences and all the shock they carry. Every time I come back I think, “This time will feel completely normal, I just keep getting more and more worldly.” Negative, Ghost Rider.

Turns out, I’m still the same American hick who bemoans the lack of peanut butter and giggles at the sight of a bidet. Benefits of my hay bail roots? My eyes are still sensitive to the irregular, to that which “citizens of the world” simply shrug off. Poor, ignorant people.

SO Things that happen in Europe (namely, Slovenia and Italy)

1. Friars. (not to be confused with fryers. or Fryars.)

IMG_3843

I wikipedia’d what friars do, and the folks over there don’t seem to know either. My in-depth historical analysis of The Princess Bride tells me they specialize in back stretching torture techniques. Friar Tuck gave God’s blessing to the whole steal-from-the-rich-give-to-the-poor thing. The one we met bottles wine. So it basically means you can do anything you wantΒ and wear a bath robe.

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Wine, swords, hoods. Best. Job. Ever.

2. Tunnels. Oh, do you hold your breath in every tunnel for good luck? Well…good luck.

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Have you spent a few minutes in the Ted Williams (4.2K)? That’s cute. Try the Swiss/Italian sub mountainous tunnel of National Treasure/Willy Wonka/Gringots proportions (8+K). I had a video, but, Europe still doesn’t have internet.

3. Safety.

Um..were we supposed to sign a waiver for this?
Um..were we supposed to sign a waiver for this?

Just kidding. There’s none of that (insert image of winding highways, brakeless alpine slides, broken glass here)

4. Spread made from nuts that you can put on EVERYTHING.

Nutella, bread, banana, seeds: best recover food EVER
Nutella, bread, banana, seeds: best recover food EVER

An almost worthy opponent to PB.

5. Castles. We’re talking straight sleeping beauty, dragon, moat, long hair, evil stepmother, poison apple, round table, iron throne stone buildings (I may or may not have gotten some stories mixed up there). Also where I met the friar.

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6. Oh, yeah. THIS.

frands
frands
snow. on show. on mountains.
snow. on show. on mountains.

7. More importantly, THIS:

I need not say more.
I need not say more.

 

-AP

Still can't do cartwheels. Even in Europe.
Still can’t do cartwheels. Even in Europe.

 

 

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