Winter is coming

We’ve all heard it. We’ve read it in status’, seen it on Instagram and heard it in Tweets. We’re printing it on t-shirts and writing it on signs. The Farmer’s Almanac, NBC and my Dad have all uttered the eager warning made famous by the fur clad supermodels of HBO. You know what I’m talking about: Winter is coming.

Or is it?

Here’s the thing. After a few shabby winters filled with snow chasing and January bounding, I’m less and less inclined to believe it when someone tells me that this is it, the winter we’ve all been waiting for. I’m not trying to be pessimistic here, I’m usually annoyingly optimistic, I just can’t ignore science. Science like this brought me to commit to skiing this year, because it told me that the option might not be there much longer.

My commitment to facts and rationality being stated, I can’t altogether deny that I don’t believe in luck. Rather, I believe in making my own. Some people call it superstition, I just call it proactivity. Far be it from me to claim command over the metaphysical current of the universe, BUT, every fall, when I intentionally underdress for the season, it snows. Ankle socks in October? Snow. T-shirts and thin layers? Snow. Not saying, just saying.

So, just a couple weeks out from our first races of the season, I thought it would be prudent to research what others have done to hurry winter along. I found some interesting results. Below is a list of my favorite methods, chosen from the advice of ski bumbs, Norse medicine men and small children everywhere. If you want to pitch a hand and help me recover from my environmental pessimism, try a few! Because, you know, teamwork.

1. Dress inappropriately for the weather. My own personal method. Mother nature always falls for reverse psychology. Don’t overdo it, though. Nobody likes pneumonia.

2. Place a spoon under your pillow. I can’t say I’ve ever tried this technique, but I have close sources that affirm its effectiveness. Something about the spoon stirring the worlds of dream and reality to create a snowy gap in the space-time continuum. Or something.

3. Wear your PJs inside out. This one is particularly popular on the little kids’ blogs. I do wonder, what if you sleep naked? Asking for a friend.

Bow and arrow biathlon? Sign me up.
Bow and arrow biathlon? Sign me up.

4. Flush ice down the toilet. “All drains lead to the ocean!”

5. Chant “Heikki Lunta” over and over. And over. Chanting the name of the Finnish snow god got a bunch of snowmobilers in Michigan enough snow to run an important race. Hey man, if it works fer da’ UP, it works for me!

6. While we’re appealing to the gods, a sacrifice to Ullr wouldn’t kill anyone. Well, other than the sacrifice, but I think it’s worth a shot.

7. Karma. Whether you believe in it, or just believe in skiing, donate to the Drive for 25 in the next 11 days. Really though, teamwork.

That’s all I got. Don’t slip during your snowdances!

-AP

 

 

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